4/18/2014

Writing Therapy

 

Long time ago when I was 10 years old, I had done something terrible that made my life upside down for the next 8 years maybe. I say it was terrible because it had affected my life, my emotion and my relationship with my parents. You might wonder what had I done right? I will write in the next paragraph.

When I was 10, my sister was admitted to boarding school and this situation made me feel unsecure. Because I was always relying on her, I mean went to the school with her since we were in the same school. So, after she went to the boarding school, I was afraid to go to the school alone and honestly, I was not happy at all being in that same gender school. In addition to that problem, there were few subjects added in standard 4 which was Science, Kajian Tempatan and Kemahiran Hidup, plus, my English teacher quite fierce. With all the problems I had, I made up a decision which I never thought before which was ran away from the school! Why I ran away? I think it is because I didn’t know how to express my feelings that time. I was very close with my sister even until now and hopefully forever. That was the first time I had to be separated with her and I don’t know to whom I can share my problems because I was not so close with my mother.

I did that thing (run away) for almost two weeks without my parents’ knowing. Until one day my friend suddenly showed up in front of my house and telling to my mother what had I done. And that night was the night that absolutely I cannot forget in my life. It was the night where my dad really cannot control his anger toward me and I was being slapped by him twice.

Because of those events, I become afraid towards my father and I started to hate him. The worst was I don’t even remember how many times I talked to him actually. But, the good thing was I became close to my mother. Before that event, I was really close with my father and not so close with my mother. After those events, the other way round happened.

Honestly speaking, I was not a good daughter. I’m the second child from ninth. I used to be a rebel daughter and I like to cheat when I was a kid. After that event, my father asked me to promise that I’ll never cheat again in my life, and seriously my cheating skill was lost after that event until now. I really cannot cheat anymore.

It took me, if I’m not mistaken, nearly 8 years for me to make up with my father. Throughout the 8 years, I always thought that, why my father do that to me?; I was not doing wrong; my father supposed not to slap me, he should asked me patiently why I’m doing that thing. These statements always playing around in my mind. Each year, I tried to understand and I tried to accept those things that happened in my life.

Now, when I think back about what I had done before, the thing that I had to face, I can only say Alhamdulillah for everything that He gave to me. Those events really changed me into someone that always alert with other’s feelings, and it made me realize that to become parents is not as easy as ABC. Everyone had done something wrong in their life, that time, maybe my parents never thought I was brave enough to do something like that and maybe they never faced that kind of problems so that’s why they don’t know how to react to what had I done.

 

the above paragraph was actually my counselling assignment. Saje je nak post kat sini. Rasanya dulu dah pernah cerita dah masalah ni.

http://halawatunnisa2206.blogspot.com/2011/04/human-transformation.html

Kenapa nak post, just want to let you know yang everyone ada masalah yang tersendiri but, tak semua pilih untuk share masalah masing2 publicly. I want to share sebab this problem yang made me to who am i today, thanks to my dad. =) And one more thing is, tak semestinya orang yang nampak baik pada pandangan mata anda tu tak pernah berdepan dengan masalah2 yang pelik.

Hope you can gain something from my writings..=)

18042014

Kuantan

23:41

4/08/2014

Identity Crisis

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Assalamualaikum…

Sudah agak lama tidak menaip di sini. Tapi kalini rasanya short, simple and sweet mungkin?

Dalam kelas tadi masa lab, tiba-tiba terfikir, apa kriteria yang diperlukan oleh seorang pelajar degree sebenarnya ya?

Anyone can answer my question? Seriously I need the answer. Sebab even umur dah meningkat, tapi tak pernah rasa diri ni dah masuk umur 20-an. I didn’t get the feeling of becoming twenties..

Berbalik kepada pelajar degree. Ni semua sebab masa tanya dekat lab assistant tu. Tiba-tiba terfikir, kenapa aku tak tau eh? Dia pelajar master. And he’s genius just like my friend said. And bila tanya balik, aku terfikir, sepatutnya aku kena tahu sebab benda ni dah belajar tapi kenapa aku still blur??

And actually that’s not the first time. Honestly speaking, every lab masa buat mesti rasa blurrr macam tak pernah belajar pun ada. Yes, walaupun dah baca manual, still tak faham? Is it just me or do you feel the same way?I bet it just me.

Sometimes terfikir, bila nak berubah? kenapa mesti jadi macam ni? kenapa apa yang kita belajar, kita tak ingat? is it so difficult to remember? My lecturer pernah cakap, most of them, jangan hafal, jangan hafal, jangan hafal. Ingat dan faham. I tried my best to understand. yes I understand, but then bila nak jawab tak tau. Maksudnya tak faham lagila eh?

Teringat masa sekolah rendah dulu belajar sirah nabi. Tak pernah hafal pun. Tapi, Alhamdulillah ingat tarikh-tarikh perang, apa yang berlaku, berapa ramai yang terlibat, siapa yang terlibat. Jadi, belajar memang seriously enjoy. Ustazah cakap sekali je terus ingat. Jadi masa exam, baca betul-betul before exam. Tu pun ala-ala scan je. Alhamdulillah boleh jawab.

I tried to implement the same thing during degree. It didn’t work. And pada pendapat saya sebab language. And I believe tak semua orang berfikiran seperti saya. Sebab we try to understand it in our language but when exam, kena guna bahasa omputih.

Lagi satu faktor yang saya rasa, food. What we eat. Sebab makanan sangat mempengaruhi ingatan. Sumber makanan, siapa yang masak, cara kita makan, berapa banyak kita makan. That’s all count!

Just this for now. Hanya bebelan and dalam masa yang sama untuk menghidupkan blog ni. Thanks for reading..

08042014 @ Tuesday

Kuantan

18:34